just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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