I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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