Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
