There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
