Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
