Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
try to milk me bitch
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
