Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0