I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
