Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
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He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
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I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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