Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
