fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
