Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
