I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
the raccoons are back...
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