imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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