I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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