there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
