Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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