That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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