Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
