In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize