Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
