I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
