We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
