Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
