Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
