From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We need to rekindle our bromance
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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