so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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