mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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