My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
