please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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