i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
