I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I can tuck mytits in my pants
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
