i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I am full of burrito and curiosity
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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