Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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