there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
