I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
he thought i was a dude.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
