I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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