My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
