I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
