i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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