if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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