Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
