I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
