his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
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so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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