counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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