Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
