the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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