went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
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i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
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Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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