He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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