You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
