I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
