I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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