they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
