I don't usually arrange sex via text message
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
