I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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